Time to own up to my BQ attempt in Columbus. I didn't do it.
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| us before the race |
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| around mile 9 when I still felt good |
I couldn't even do a September run log...because I was having difficulty controlling all the anxiety I had surrounding Columbus.
When I failed, I felt like a failure. Like a total cry-baby, I'm-a-loser, nobody-likes-me, pathetic failure. Deep down I knew how stupid that was, but I was crushed. bitter disappointment. Failure.
{Not inserting the most pathetic running picture of all time. I will show it to you if you ask nicely...but I'm not posting it.}
Dodd met his goal of completing his first Ironman. And that was something to witness and will be something he will carry as part of him forever. It was brutal and complete human misery ~ and despite so many things working against him. He succeeded.
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| He was still standing 16 1/2 hours later at the finish. |
Mike met his goal of completing 3 marathons in 35 days. He's a Maniac ~ truly. The marathon is not a distance to be disrespected ~ and he did three of them between September 10 and October 15.
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| After Erie, Northern Ohio & Columbus He's a Maniac! |
I failed.
That is hard to own.
So I've been listening to Run, Selfie, Repeat podcast ~ Where Kelly has had two failed BQ attempts...and she has put into words exactly the heartbreak I've felt. And I'm coming to terms with what I attempted and failed and what it will mean to try again. She states over and over ~ the only failure is the failure to try and I'm trying to own that.
She also talks about doing the thing that scares you the most. I've really been thinking a lot about that this past week. I was so scared to fail, yet I've survived. How many things I've I said no to because they made me anxious {scared} and it was safer to not do them? Maybe it's time to stop living in 'fear' and start doing the things that scare me. Like trying to BQ again.
Two weeks after I got my ass kicked in Columbus...I ran the Bridge to Bridge half in Ashtabula. It was a cool rainy morning, and I was scared. I was running for fun and for NERC points, but I didn't want to get out there and feel miserable. I didn't want to hate racing ~and I didn't want to hate running. And it was all I hoped for. It was so amazing to be running with no expectations...just me and my feet and the road and the uphills and the downhills and my music...I pulled my sleeve over my watch and ran. 1:49:54. Nice and easy and fun at an 8:24 pace (the race was actually 13.24 miles...so it was actually a little faster than that) I was fourth overall female and first in my age group. That's what my heart needed. Running is FUN and I'm not so bad at it.
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| First in age group ~ cool picture award |
September Run Log:
September Totals:
216.66 miles for the month
1280.26 miles for the year
1280.26 miles for the year
245.51 miles in my Gortex Ghosts ~ not worn at all this month.
472.93 miles in my old pink Brooks Glycerin 13
428.85 miles in my new pink Brooks Glycerin 13
535.12 miles in my old purple Brooks Glycerin 14 ~ Holy Cow. Didn't realize I had worn these so much...they don't look that old.
121.93 miles in my Black Brooks Glycerin 15 ~ I don't really like this version of the Glycerin. My toes hit the end of the shoe...and they are a size 9,5.
23.37 miles in my new purple Brooks Glycerin 14 ~ Columbus shoes
Training for: BQ @ Columbus Marathon October 15, 2017
Cross Training: not a whole lot. Lots of running.
My WEIGHT: I don't remember!
Some interesting facts:
What hurts?: nothing
Weekly mileage this month: 52.18 ~ 57.42 ~ 50.16 ~ 44.57 ~ 45.43
Favorite place to run this month: From Mentor to Madison ~ twice.
Monthly mileage record: 216.66 September 2017!
Highest mileage ever-at-one-time: 26.78, October 30, 2016, Marine Corps Marathon, Washington DC
Highest mileage ever-at-one-time: 26.78, October 30, 2016, Marine Corps Marathon, Washington DC
PR's:
1 mile: 6:43 (Memorial Mile 6/10/17)
5K: 22:30 (Run For the Grapes 9/28/14}
10K: 50:13 {Run for the Hills 6/22/14 & TIED the time Run for the Hills 6/21/15)
10-miler: 1:21:29 (Hermes Cleveland 10-miler 4/28/12)
half-marathon: 1:44:42 (Northern Ohio Half Marathon 10/4/15)
10K: 50:13 {Run for the Hills 6/22/14 & TIED the time Run for the Hills 6/21/15)
10-miler: 1:21:29 (Hermes Cleveland 10-miler 4/28/12)
half-marathon: 1:44:42 (Northern Ohio Half Marathon 10/4/15)
marathon: 3:57:31 (The Cleveland Marathon 5/17/15)
October Run Log:
October Totals:
130.54 miles for the month
1410.80 miles for the year
1410.80 miles for the year
245.51 miles in my Gortex Ghosts ~ not worn at all this month.
472.93 miles in my old pink Brooks Glycerin 13
428.85 miles in my new pink Brooks Glycerin 13
549.38 miles in my old purple Brooks Glycerin 14
169.24 miles in my Black Brooks Glycerin 15
92.37 miles in my new purple Brooks Glycerin 14
Training for: O24 ~ in April. So technically, nothing
Cross Training: yoga and swimming!
My WEIGHT: I was 136 right after Columbus. Weighed myself fully clothed for the Maintain Don't Gain challenge at work at 140. I'm very quickly approaching that weight naked...I CAN'T STOP EATING. and all I want to eat is JUNK.
Some interesting facts:
What hurts?: the top of my left foot. I hurt it putting on my shoe Sunday evening. And it HURTS
Weekly mileage this month: 35.16 ~ 39.56 ~ 18.21 ~ 26.47
Favorite place to run this month: Maryland was gorgeous running. But I LOVED Bridge to Bridge half. It was so much fun. Lots of changing scenery & the bridges were FUN to run across.
Monthly mileage record: 216.66 September 2017!
Highest mileage ever-at-one-time: 26.78, October 30, 2016, Marine Corps Marathon, Washington DC
Highest mileage ever-at-one-time: 26.78, October 30, 2016, Marine Corps Marathon, Washington DC
PR's:
1 mile: 6:43 (Memorial Mile 6/10/17)
5K: 22:30 (Run For the Grapes 9/28/14}
10K: 50:13 {Run for the Hills 6/22/14 & TIED the time Run for the Hills 6/21/15)
10-miler: 1:21:29 (Hermes Cleveland 10-miler 4/28/12)
half-marathon: 1:44:42 (Northern Ohio Half Marathon 10/4/15)
10K: 50:13 {Run for the Hills 6/22/14 & TIED the time Run for the Hills 6/21/15)
10-miler: 1:21:29 (Hermes Cleveland 10-miler 4/28/12)
half-marathon: 1:44:42 (Northern Ohio Half Marathon 10/4/15)
marathon: 3:57:31 (The Cleveland Marathon 5/17/15)
I wrote the following Monday, October 16: {You is John Distler ~ as I was writing it for him, as my coach}
My feelings about the 2017 Columbus Marathon {where it wasn’t 32 degrees at the start} 30 hours after the fact…
I am super proud of my training. You had me doing crazy-ass things like hill repeats at 9,000 feet and progression runs and 10 mile runs at 4:30 in the morning. I hit almost every single pace you set for me ~ and I was as confident as can be that I could maintain an 8:50/mile pace for 26.2. I have it in my legs and my lungs ~ maybe not as in my head as could be, but I was pushing out the doubt with positive thoughts. The first taper week was anxiety ridden. I was a MESS. Felt like I was a middle school girl all over again. But after tears in Maryland...I put my head on straight and focused on what I could do; sleep, eat & not get sick. In retrospect, and I don’t know exactly how to say this, it meant too much to me. I was wound too tight at the start. The start of Cbus is crazy adrenaline building ~ but I was already there {Bruce was singing to me and I was singing back}
Mile 1 ~ working on slow. I was doing it too...watch said 8:46, ran up a hill and turned the corner where my watch beeped mile 1 at 8:16...I swear it was a Garmin glitch. I didn’t see the mile flag for another .19 & my watch was off by .2 for every flag after that. (actually read 26.54 at the finish). I believe I didn’t screw up mile 1…
Mile 2 -14 ~ finding my groove. Felt GREAT. Plan was to take a salt tab every 3 miles or so & I managed that throughout this time. Took water at each station (except the first one which was on the FAR LEFT ~ 5 lanes over from where I was running ~ only time water wasn’t on both sides) At mile 11ish (I think) I took my Carb Boom. It didn’t really sit right in my stomach, but I made myself eat it all over a mile or so. I knew I was getting warm, so I started dumping water on my neck. Not a lot, but enough to feel the cool. I was right on target this whole time.
Mile 15 ~ I knew this started the uphill portion, so I wasn’t too worried that it was a 9:06/mile. Then the thoughts started coming…”this is where I should start to speed up” “I don’t have it in me to push harder” And my stomach was starting to roll...which doesn’t happen to me. I probably should have taken more salt, but I was afraid to eat. I started taking Gatorade and water at the stops and sipping my Tailwind.
Mile 16 ~ still going...but the dark thoughts were strong. “This sucks.” “I’m hot.” “I still have 10 miles” “even when I make it to 18, that’s still 8 miles out” 9:34/mile
Mile 17(10:17/mile) - 18 (14:13/mile) ~ I needed to do something. I was hot and my stomach was not happy (thinking back, I wonder if I’m using that as an excuse...I am scarred by Cleveland & my ice bath). I started walking, pulled out my orange and ate half of it. Walked to the next water stop, took Gatorade & water and kept walking. “8 miles...I’m not going to finish this…” ‘I will never run another one of these.” “Who cares about Boston?” I broke. That’s the thing that makes me the saddest. I broke. That’s on me. This is when the 4:00 pace group passed me...and I didn’t cry.
Then a guy came up alongside & said, “Walk to the bridge and then get going again. You know what you need to do.” Exactly what I needed to hear. So I rolled my eyes & started running again.
Mile 19 ~ 10:56/mile ~ walking through the waterstop...and a little further ~ almost stopped at the aid station to get some ice, but was a little afraid they would take my temperature first...so I ran past.
Mile 20 ~ 12:08/mile ~ walking more than the waterstop
Mile 21 ~ drank beer ~ was amazing ~ 9:52/mile
Mile 22 ~ I just need to keep going ~ 9:57/mile
Mile 23 ~ I totally suck, but I’m not quitting ~ 10:53/mile
Mile 24 ~ I really suck, but I can do 2 more miles ~ 10:14...helped when I saw Kelly & she ran with me without talking. I felt so bad that you all came to witness my failure.
Mile 25 ~ This thing will be done 10:32/mile. Total failure felt when I saw you. Like a little kid, I wanted to make you proud of me. I wanted your first coaching to be a success & bring you more peeps.
Mile 26 ~ 10:37/mile ~ And, good Lord, .20 is a LONG distance.
Ran the last .54 at 9:08/mile
Totally not what I pictured at the finish, but I’m proud I didn’t throw a temper tantrum...didn’t even want to. I congratulated people around me and commiserated about the weather and watched people getting their temperature taken… waited to cry on Dodd’s ironman jacket & your shoulder and Mike’s shoulder and in the car.
I didn’t have any more in me. I put it all out there ~ so I wasn’t disappointed in that… Just heartbroken that I set a goal and wasn’t even close to it...and I broke. That sucks.
What I know:
1. 26.2 is a long distance every single time you do it. It doesn’t get shorter like the half does.
2. I need to be able to mentally get through 16-19 ~ and the training that may take scares me.
3. I really learned how to “run the mile you’re in” during my training. I did not apply this to the actual race.
4. The heat/humidity is out of my control.
5. Physically I was ready for this. I’m not really sore today, no more than I was after the Rock Hall half ~ and nothing hurts like my calf did after that race.
6. Mike told me on the way home that the feelings of disappointment I had were the exact reason he doesn’t set goals and work harder. {He had enough of that during his wrestling career.} There’s some merit in that. Yesterday I agreed with him, but typing this...I’m not done. I really deep down want this. I’m pissed off at myself and know I can do better.
So I’m sad, and I’m mad and I had to smile all day and agree that finishing is an accomplishment...which I know it is...but…
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